Prerit asks:
I am in love with my former girlfriend. Our romantic relationship lasted five months. They were the best five months of my life. Besides being my girlfriend, she was also my best friend. I shared everything with her. She loved me like crazy. She always used to say that I distracted her from her studies because she was always thinking about me.

One day, I didn't trust her enough and I followed her when she went to see a movie with a male friend. She told me about him. He is just a friend, but I was still angry that she didn't tell me that she was going to see a movie with him. As she came out of the theater, I lost my temper and I started yelling at my girlfriend in front of everyone. She said that if I can't trust her, we can't have a romantic relationship. We broke up and it was the worst day of my life.

That was three months ago and the friendship between us is as strong as ever. We still share with each other every small detail of our lives. I still comfort her when she is upset. Besides her family, I am still the most important person in her life. In one way or another, she always says that she needs me.

The problem is that she doesnít want to be romantically involved with me but she can't give me a reason why? I still love her like crazy. I know there's something in her heart for me, but she doesnít want to show it.

I thought her reason could be that she wants to concentrate on her studies. I told her I can wait until she completes her studies, but she doesnít say anything.

Should I wait for her to come around? If so, how long should I wait?



Dear Prerit,
I think you know you made a HUGE mistake when you followed your girlfriend and when you yelled at her in front of everyone. That incident could forever end any chance of you again having a romantic relationship with her. I think for you two to have any chance of getting back together, she needs to be able to forgive you. To help her get to that place, you need to make it crystal clear to her that you know you messed up and how very sorry you are about how you acted that day.

Here is what I think you should do:
1. You need to admit to your former girlfriend that you were wrong and apologize for your behavior that day. Here is what you could say:

I am very sorry about the incident at the movie theater. I was wrong and I know I royally messed things up between us. I am sorry that I didn't trust you enough that day. You did nothing to deserve that. I am sorry I lost my temper and yelled at you in front of everyone. You did nothing to deserve that. I love you and you deserved better from me. I wish with all my heart that I could change that day, but I can't. What I can do is to let you know how very sorry I am.

Notice there is no groveling. There is no begging for forgiveness. There is no mention of restoring your romantic relationship. It is only admitting you were wrong and apologizing to your former girlfriend for your behavior.

2. Every time the incident at the movie theater is brought up, you need to tell your former girlfriend all over again how sorry you are.

3. You should wait for your former girlfriend to fully appreciate how sorry you are about the incident and for her to forgive you. How long will that take? It depends how upset your former girlfriend was. It could be months. What if she never forgives you? Then I think you need to move on with your life. You will never have the relationship you want with her if she is incapable of forgiving you when (not if) you mess up.

I hope you have spent the last three months letting your former girlfriend know how badly you feel about that day. If she has forgiven you, I would wait a month or two before you try to explore the possibility of reestablishing your romantic relationship.

Something you should consider is that just because your former girlfriend forgives you does not mean that the friends and family members that she told the story to have forgiven you. They can be a huge obstacle to the two of you resuming your romantic relationship. What can you do about it? Probably nothing, but you should keep in mind that it might be something that is holding her back.

The next thing to consider is, what are you looking for in life? Where do you want to live? What job do you want? When (or if) you want to get married? How many children do you want? And where does a woman fit into your hopes and dreams? What kind of woman would be the best partner for you in life? From your letter, it sounds like one of the things you want is a relationship with a woman that is not only your girlfriend, but also your friend.

Now, look at where you are in life. You are not her boyfriend, but you are also not completely out of her life. You are stuck in limbo with this woman. You are not getting the affection that you want from her and not moving toward finding that with another woman. It is not what you hoped for or planned for your life.

From her side, she has you as a friend and companion without having to be your girlfriend. While that may be working for her, it clearly isn't working for you.

The next step is to sit down with your former girlfriend and have a heart-to-heart talk. Tell her what a sad time the last few months have been for you. Tell her of your sorrow for causing the break up. Apologize again for the way you acted. Tell her how you miss the happy times you had as a couple. Tell her you missed being loved by her. Tell her you want a woman in your life that is not only your girlfriend, but also your best friend. Then, tell her you want her to be that woman in your life again...

Once you have said all that, stop talking and listen to what she has to say. If she says, she wants that too, then the two of you might discuss how you can slowly reestablish your romantic relationship.

If she tells you she is not ready for that or that is not what she wants right now, she is telling you, at least at this point in her life, she isn't the woman you are looking for. I would tell her that if she does not want to be your best friend as well as your girlfriend, then you need to find a woman that wants to be both for you.

In a very gentle way, you are telling your former girlfriend that you need to move on with your life. When she hears that, she might reconsider her choice right then, she might reconsider in a few days. Either way, you have put her on notice that she can't put you on hold forever. She either wants a romantic relationship with you or you need to find a woman that does. It is a fairly gentle way to force her hand and require her to make a choice.

So my bottom line answers are:

1. Should I wait for your former girlfriend to come around?
It seems to me that you have a lot emotionally invested in this woman. I think it would make sense to see if you can work things out with her.

2. How long should I wait?
If you can't patch up your romantic relationship within six months after the break up, I would start the process of moving on with your life.



Comments

Comment by M.D. May 7th, 2008 10:30 pm

Hi Prerit,
I don't know what to say, but I'm just gonna say this to you. Just pray, wait, and believe it that you'll get her again someday. I know what you feel, because I was in your position before. Don't ever give up.

Comment by Sean May 29th, 2008 11:34 pm

Prerit, I feel for you. I was dating a girl for a year and then she broke up with me. She had valid reasons, but she had forgiven me before. Maybe she broke up with me because I was out of the country for 4 months, I don't know.

Anyway, don't lose hope. I'm not. Try to be there for her. Spend time with her and be her best friend. Being a best friend has many advantages, such as being perceived as "unbiased". Use that to your advantage. Be biased toward yourself. Show her the man you can be, just for her, custom made. I believe when there is a will, there is a way.

Best of luck to you. I hope we can both work things out in our lives.

Comment by Marc June 15th, 2008 12:09 am

Prerit,
Begin the process of moving on, today. This is a painful thing for anyone to do, but you have to do it for your own sanity.

Learn from this painful experience: you can not control another person, and you will not be controlled by another person. Control is not love, it is manipulation. The only way to ever bring her back is simple, move on. If she loves you, she will find you.

Comment by Oyebanji June 20th, 2008 5:05 pm

To love is not to be stupid. If you beg her and she does not listen to you, then continue with your precious life.

Comment by James June 24th, 2008 7:17 pm

I would dump this girl and move on. She is a user. This is the best she will ever be. You don't need the aggravation. You need some love and understanding.

Comment by Mike June 25th, 2008 7:23 pm

My advice for Pretit:

First of all, I want to say that it's completely acceptable for her to see a movie with a male friend. What's not acceptable is for her to do it surreptitiously. If she's going to hang out with him, she should let you know where she is going and when, and she should let you meet him beforehand. That said, following her to the movie theater was a terrible idea, and your outburst killed the relationship.

Jealousy is extremely unattractive to women. By getting jealous, you present yourself as insecure and therefore, although I hate to say it, unworthy of her romantic attention. You put yourself in the "friend zone". She's probably not attracted to you anymore. You blew it. The best move from here is to get over it.

Moreover, becoming her friend immediately is not in your best interests. It's not likely to revive the relationship, and it seems to be holding you back from the most important thing right now, which is getting over her. You should decide whether or not to build a friendship with her once you are over her, but not before.

Comment by Dave July 8th, 2008 9:56 pm

Prerit-- A lot of people here seem to have the opinion that you are the only one who screwed up. I beg to differ.

You followed this girl to the theater. Maybe you're a control freak or just a normal guy. If you're a control freak, then my comments do not apply to you. (But you don't seem like one. You just lost your head.)

If you're a normal guy, then you probably felt that something was amiss for a reason. You should have talked to her about it, and tried to work it out, but for whatever reason, you ended up following her around.

Anyway, you caught her with another man going to a movie. (The jury's out on whether her action is right or wrong. Personally, I would not consider it acceptable for my girlfriend to secretly go to the movies with another guy. And don't get me wrong, I'm not a control freak. I just believe that being very open and honest is a great way to build trust. I hold myself to the same standard!)

Assuming that you told her about your concern, if you were in a serious and committed relationship, she should have been open about it and tried to help you to trust her. Even if it is an old friend with no sexual interest at all, just the fact that he's a man and that there was a lack of trust in the relationship means that she should have told you about it. You discovering this like you did would hurt you too much. If she cared for you, she should thought of your feelings before her desire to watch a movie with a another guy.

Although I agree you need to apologize for following her around because frankly, what you did was nuts, I do believe that your friend should recognize her role in the debacle.

She says that if you can't trust her, you can't have a relationship. But relationships with rock solid levels of trust are built through the work of both partners. She needs to see this, too.

The problem I see currently is the fact that you've become whipped and she's getting what she wants for "free". That means when she dates someone else and they treat her badly, she'll call you. When she's bored, she'll call you. When she's lonely, she'll call you.

She will not call you to take your relationship to the next level.

She does not want to take the relationship to the next level because she isn't a good communicator. It's not because of her studies. It's because she has nothing to gain from it. She is getting everything she wants from you now, so why should she rock the boat?

You are a "friend" now. I'm sorry, but you are. Moving from "friend" to "boyfriend" is really difficult...

So I would try to move on. Date new people. There are tons of wonderful girls out there. Perhaps when you get more attention, your old girlfriend will see how attractive you are and then maybe you'll get back together. But I think this is unlikely.

I actually dated a girl last year who dated a guy like you. He'd take her out to dinner, pay for drinks, listen to her, and drive her around town doing errands (she didn't have a car). After being dropped off at her home at 11 pm, she'd call me and then I'd spend the night at her place. She'd say "He's so nice to me and he's such a good person, but I'm in love with you. All this (motioning to her body) is for you." She even asked me to marry her. But I said no and dumped her because I thought that if she could use that guy up so badly and then say all this stuff to me at the same time, what other evil things was this girl capable of?

I wish I had that other guy's number so I could warn him. I feel sorry for the guy.

So don't be that guy!

Comment by Delilah August 14th, 2008 at 8:06 pm

Prerit,
I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend broke up with me today.

My boyfriend and I were just close friends for over two years. A friend of ours had always wanted us to get together as a couple. When she became ill, we decided to start dating to cheer her up. Since there were no romantic feelings between us, we thought we could handle it, but we were wrong. A week ago my boyfriend admitted that he has had feelings for me for the past two years. I found myself falling for him as well.

When our friend recovered, I was very happy for her, but I wasn't sure what would happen with me and my boyfriend. Would we stay as a couple or go back to just being close friends. I couldn't make the choice, so my boyfriend did. He said we should stay friends, but I think he still has feelings for me. He said, "If you ever want to get back together, you know where to find me". That made it worse. His eyes teared up and he got embarrassed. We had an awkward 30 minutes after that. I don't know what's going to happen now, but I'll make it through.

Prerit, if you're meant to get back together with your girlfriend, you will. If not, you're meant to be the best of friends, just like me and my ex.

Comment by Devon August 14th, 2008 10:15 pm

Dear Prerit,
I am extremely sorry to hear about what happened between you and your former girlfriend.

What I think you should do is let her know that whether you are friends or much more, you will always love her and always be there for her (Donít make it to emotional though). Sometime in the near future tell her you were wrong for what you did and you will never make that mistake again. She will come back to you and you will be together and happy.

I know how you feel. The love off my life and I broke up seven months ago. We got back together 2 days ago and I have never been happier. Things will work out for you just like they did me. My prayers are with you. Keep your head up.



So what do you think? Did I give Prerit the best advice? Do you have some thoughtful advice for him? You can leave a comment using the form below.

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